Emergency Banana Productions

This is a theory which came to me while I was at Hunter Singers camp a couple of weeks ago. I’ve only recently been able to piece it all together.

The genesis of this theory came at breakfast. I served myself an inordinate amount of bacon, as one does. But I noticed that the girls at my table (Mechlord leaving Singers has led to a mysterious boost to my social life), where they had chosen bacon, had only acquired a small amount, while the guys had all gotten several pig’s worth. This phenomenon repeated itself at every table. Further questioning revealed that while the girls invariably thought that bacon was “alright,” the guys all thought that it was “excellent” or merely shouted “BAAAAACON!!!” (Some people of both genders started to sing the McDonalds jingle from a few years ago advertising their bacon-containing foodlike substances, which managed to defy Western poetic conventions in new and glorious ways by rhyming “bacon” with “bacon,” but that’s neither here nor there). Idly contemplating this (while eating my bacon), a thought came to me; bacon isn’t actually that tasty. I love it, but it really doesn’t taste that good. How does this work? And then the theory hit me.

The males of some species of pigs are attracted to truffles, because they smell like a female pig on heat. I think that male cats are attracted to catnip for the same reason. I’m willing to bet that men are attracted to bacon because it smells like human female pheromones.

But you may say, “But O Great and Alpieghty God of Pie, humans are not pheromonic creatures, O Great One.” (Hopefully it’ll be a little more sycophantic, but you get the idea). But therein lies the solution! While humans do use pheromones occasionally, it’s mostly become redundant because of the wonders of intelligence. Nowadays, sex is decided primarily by one’s seductive abilities, not by the smells that one produces. I’m generalising a bit, but you get my point. Maybe, once pheromones became redundant, human females stopped producing them in such great quantities — but men are still just as susceptible to them as they were a million years ago. Maybe bacon emits a far larger amount of pheromones than women!

My argument here may be convoluted and ultimately stupid, but there is still some sense behind it.

This explains a few other things as well. Based on personal experience, there are a lot more women who are vegetarians than there are men. If women are immune to bacon, then any woman who believes that meat is murder/cruelty to animals/not very nice can be a vegetarian. But with men, it’s possible for us to think that meat is cruel while still enjoying it, all because of bacon. I know this because I think that meat is cruel, and I would be a vegetarian, were it not for my unreasonable love of bacon. (And chicken. And ham. And… okay, I love all meat. But especially bacon). In order to be a vegetarian, a man must be both against meat in principle, and immune to bacon. (I’m not saying anything against men who are immune to bacon here. Some cats are immune to catnip, after all — it’s just a hereditary thing. I will, however, say “you poor bastards, you don’t know what you’re missing”).

I may be wrong. I may be a bloody moron. In fact, I am a bloody moron. But I challenge you to name one woman who can hold a conversation of any length consisting exclusively of the word “Bacon,” especially when there is no bacon to be found. That is something that only a MANLY man can do*.

Peace oot,

God of Pie.

*Chuck Norris once went for an entire year saying nothing but “bacon.” That’s how MANLY he is.